Dear Reader
by blackfeather157
Summary: Read at your own discretion. This is dark and NOT a fanfic. It is a personal journal from a while back. I'm posting it to bring awareness of my troubles and accomplishments. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Reader,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am Keghan. I am 15 and half years old and female. I have had a difficult life in my eyes, though some may say otherwise, but they can't feel my pain or even go into my head and know how I felt then. I was in foster care for what felt like most of my life. I don't remember when, but when I was young my parents got divorced. (Well sort of, they separated) I don't remember anything else that happened except that they fought a lot and I didn't know why. I felt like it was my fault. Then I lived with my mom alone for a couple years. My mom was insecure at the time and drank and smoked. She would invite men over and I would go to my room. I don't know exactly what they did but I have a pretty good idea.

Soon I was sent to my Nana's. (My grandpa's new wife, Debbie) I lived there for maybe a year, then one day, boom, she decides she doesn't want me anymore and sends me to a new home, leaving me wondering why and what did I do to make her send me away. I was six then and when I moved to a ladies house, her name was Sandy, (or Sandie, I'm not quite sure) she had 4 kids. Foster kids or actual kids I don't remember but it was fun there. I played in the snow a lot. Soon after I moved back with my mom, she was better, but not as good as CPS hoped. She had a seizer one day and I had to call an ambulance. I slept over at my neighbor's house for the night and played on video games to forget the pained look on my mom's face. A look that would be seared into my mind forever. A couple of months later my sister moved out to where we were and helped us. Her name is Tiffany. We have different dads but the same mom. Right now she is 26. She is a dog trainer. I have been in so many situations and it has made me who I am. I was in foster care for another 3 years and finally I moved in with Tiffany. At the time I thought it would benefit me, but boy was I wrong. I thought I could change with her, and I was right. Though it was not in the way I hoped. When I moved to Maryland it was good, we fought but I thought it was the way siblings fight. Siblings didn't fight as much as we did.

Then we moved to Virginia and it all went downhill from there. I feel worthless, frightened, and everything is grey. We started to fight more and I tried to change but I felt no matter what I did, it wouldn't stop. So I started cutting. I cut once but it wasn't enough so I cut more and it cleared my head. Its weird but it helped. But it did not help enough. I tried to commit suicide 3 times, the third time I almost did it, I tried to hang myself, and when I hung there soon my feet were numb then my lower body then my whole body was numb. Soon I had tunnel vision and was getting narrower. Then I couldn't think and I just stared at my feet. Suddenly I started to panic and I got myself free. Then I realized what I did, and cried for my cowardice. I felt so weak. So I went to bed and prayed desperately to whom ever is out there that I would not wake up. When I did wake up I cried and cried. I felt like I my world is only being held up by toothpicks. That any little thing would cause it to come tumbling down. Then a couple weeks later Tiffany and I got into a fight and it was worse than before. I started to cry and as I did, everything hurt. I started to panic and breath fast. Soon a tingling sensation appeared on my scalp and my vision was fading in and out. I couldn't stop crying no matter how hard I tried. Tiffany scoffed and said for me to stop faking an anxiety attack, but I wasn't faking. I had to get fresh air. So after she left my room to leave me to my crying, I got up and tried to get out side. I felt trapped and colstraphobic. As soon as I touched the door, Tiffany came out of her room and grabbed me. I freaked and went to the floor, my back slammed into the wall knocking the remaining air out of my lungs and my back was to the wall. When I could breath, it got faster and my chest hurt so bad I was moaning and whimpering. I was terrified. Then Tiffany picked me up so hard and fast I screamed. She was forcing me back into my room. It hurt. I couldn't think. I had to get out of there. I fought and scratched my sister once. I was too weak and was put in my room. My mind was on overdrive thinking I went to far and I would be beat, even though I have never been beat by her. When she left I sat down in my corner, pleading for the pain to stop and for me to just die. Soon my mind went blank and I don't remember anything after that. Only me sitting up on my bed and rocking back and forth, trying to make the pain stop. To forget. Soon I fell asleep.

When I woke up I felt dull, empty, and full of pain. I couldn't really think straight. So I grabbed the knife I had stowed in my room, lifted my arm and propped it up on my bent knees and dragged the knife across my arm. The pain cleared my head and I could think. I did it again and again telling myself I deserved it, for being useless, stupid, for never getting straight A's, for being a coward and not following through on my suicide attempt, being worthless, and for being the monster that I am. Soon I realized I couldn't feel my arm, so I pushed as hard as I could without shredding my arm and watched as the blood slowly weld up and just stop. It just, stopped. I asked myself this is how far I am to go? I felt so weak and powerless and gave myself numerous more cuts for it. Later that weak I counted 53 fresh cuts.

I have finally figured out how Tiffany sees me. She sees me as a dog. A dog she can boss around and yell at when I don't do exactly as she says exactly the right way. A dog to yell at when I finally did something of my own free will other than her ordering me to. I am less than the actual dogs. I am less than the dirt she walks on. I. AM. NOTHING.

Now after I had been caught and sent to the hospital, I know the meds don't work the way I want them to. They just dull the pain, not eliminate it. I still feel like killing myself and I still think the way I did before about myself. I want to jump off a cliff or a bridge. Take enough pills to end it completely. To slit my wrist and watch the blood flow. To sit in a tub full of water and torture myself with electricity. To hang from a tree branch like a criminal. To drown in my own blood in the ocean. To be eaten alive by wild animals. So many things to choose from. What to choose, **_WHAT TO CHOOSE._**

Wow, even that last one was kinda scary for me. But it is true. I have been wanting to kill myself. I always will. And you know what. I'm not scared anymore. I know now Tiffany does not care. Don't even let her fool you with the oh, "Why did she do it?", because she already knows. I have told her many times. SHE DOES NOT CARE! SHE DID NOT LISTEN TO ME AT ALL NO MATTER WHAT I TOLD HER.

I am not offering an explanation of why I will kill myself. I will not tell Tiffany that I am not taking my meds. I will not tell her that they don't work. The only thing I will tell her is that I don't care any more. I mean she even said go be destructive to your own stuff. The only thing I own is my own body so I will be destructive to my stuff. So don't tell me not to because YOU CAN'T STOP ME. No one can.

I do not deserve to live anymore. Not since I have been a bitch to Tiffany. I deserve to burn in hell for eternity, if there is such a place. I deserve the worst of punishments. I am a bitch, a whore, ugly, undesirable, rude, deceiving, lying, manipulative, stupid, insane little child who will get nowhere in life. I will not live to see another good day. I deserve all the things said to me. I don't deserve friends. I AM NOT WORTH IT. I will never be worth it.

I just want to die. In the worst way possible.

I have been writing a lot in this. I guess you could call this a suicide note. I mean I am going to commit suicide no matter what so, how about we call this a suicide note. I found a whole bunch of quotes and I'm going to write them. But I'm only going to show a few.

Quote's:

"Yeah, she's smiling. But don't let that fool you. Look into her eyes, she's breaking inside."

"The thing with broken clocks is you can always tell exactly when they stopped ticking. With people it isn't so easy and sometimes you can't even tell they're broken."

"what do you do when the only one who can make you stop crying is the ONE who made you CRY?"

"She's obsessed with it. That burning, stinging feeling she gets when the blade cuts into her flesh. It's at that exact moment that she forgets all her emotional pain, and strictly on destroying herself."

"No one really cares until something dramatic happens."

"'What is depression like?' he whispered. 'It's like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing'"

" When you've been sad so long that when something bad happens you don't cry, you just sit there and feel numb."

I am so sad that I just don't care anymore about whether or not people care when I die. Well, that is not entirely true. I care it is just that I don't think I can do anything without causing pain. So, killing myself will stop the pain I will spread and maybe people will just think of me as a dream. I hope I will just disappear from everyone's memory, forever.

I finally continued to cut, I cut 9 times enough to open the skin but not to bleed. It would be too noticeable. So I'm going to see who my true friends are, by slightly lowering my sleeve. I also posted;

No one has posted anything. I even changed my post setting so people would see them. I guess no one does care…

Hey, long time no see (2 days). Cut count 34. They sting but I guess that is what I deserve for being who I am. I have written an Elsa fanfiction and it is turning out pretty well. It even sounds good, but I won't even risk showing Tiffany for two reasons; one, it contains self-harm and two, Tiffany never appreciates anything I do. So I'm NEVER showing her.

But here is the first part;

It has been five weeks since the great thaw and Elsa saw she had no reason to fear her powers anymore, fore it held great beauty and she planned to use it well.

She had been in her room to plan something special for Anna, she was planning on making an area were they could be sisters outside of the royal gates and out of sight of any villagers. She was still not used to being surrounded by people and from time to time she would have to leave the area just to let the air, she did not know she was holding, out. It was one of those times earlier in the day were the presence of a whole bunch of people made her loose her cool and the window three feet behind her froze ever so slightly. She panicked and politely excused herself and left with the grace and beauty only someone like her could manage. It was when she was around the corner in a little alcove that she lost her grace and her knees gave out. She braced her hand on the wall and placed the other hand to her forehead and breathed heavily.

"Why does this have to be so hard?" she asked herself.

I hope it sounds interesting enough.

Dear Reader, Hi! It has been about 10 months since I have last wrote and guess what?! I haven't cut in over 10 weeks! WHOO HOO! Now, back to serious matters. On January 22, I OD'd on Tylenol and ended up in the hospital, jeeze I was sooooo loopy. I tried to convince the nurses I was 10. lol. I am 16 now and sort of happy.

Dear Reader, I'm 17 and a half now, and my life is pretty great. Thank you for reading. Signing off, ~Keghan


	2. I'm Okay

**_OMG! Thank you so much for the reviews! Honestly, I never thought this would get any attention. I squealed when I saw that I had 20 reviews. It's a lot in my case, you know, because they are my first reviews. You can understand my excitement._**

 ** _On that note, I am pleased to announce that I have several chapters ready to edit but will take time. So, bare with me and thank you!_**


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